Saturday, December 25, 2010

Eating Tips for the Holidays

Hope it's not to late!

1. Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Holiday spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where they're serving rum balls.

2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. It's rare... You cannot find it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares that it has 10,000 calories in every sip? It's not as if you're going to turn into an eggnog-alcoholic or something. It's a treat. Enjoy it. Have one for me. Have two. It's later than you think. It's Christmas!

3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That's the whole point of gravy. Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.

4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made with skim milk or whole milk. If it's skim, pass. Why bother? It's like buying a sports car with an automatic transmission.

5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your eating. The whole point of going to a Holiday party is to eat other people's food for free. Lots of it. Hello?

6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Year's. You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do. This is the time for long naps, which you'll need after circling the buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.

7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position yourself near them and don't budge. Have as many as you can before becoming the center of attention. They're like a beautiful pair of shoes. If you leave them behind, you're never going to see them again.

8. Same for pies. Apple, Pumpkin, Mincemeat. Have a slice of each. Or if you don't like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always have three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert? Labor Day?

9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it's loaded with the mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean, have some standards.

10. One final tip: If you don't feel terrible when you leave the party or get up from the table, you haven't been paying attention. Re-read tips; start over, but hurry, January is just around the corner. Remember this motto to live by:

"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, chocolate in one hand and wine in the other, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO HOO what a ride!"


Cammie said...

LMAO! I feel sooo much better about having scarfed all those goodies on Christmas Day. I will worry about my cholesterol later. Merry Christmas to you and thanks for brightening my day.

diva donna said...

I'm so glad I followed the rules. And I don't feel a bit guilty. And that's my Motto to live by too.
Woohoo What A Food Fest Today!!! I'll be wearing my big pants tomorrow.

Tory Richards said...

I'm with you Cammie! That's what New Years Resolutions are for, right?

Tory Richards said...

LOL...I think we all have big pants in our closets. I have a couple:)

Nancy Bristow said...

Debbie...I'm not a rules kind of person but these I can do. I have some big pants...just like most women on the planet;) ~Nancy

Cassie Exline said...

Love the way you think! Will print out these tips and laminate them. Thank you, oh wise one.

Tory Richards said...

YOU have big pants,too? I'm proud of myself because I didn't have to break them out this holiday season...yet;)

Tory Richards said...

Cassie, I can't take credit for coming up with these. A friend sent them to me. Not to say that I haven't thought of one or two of them before, though:)

Tory Richards said...

Cassie, I can't take credit for coming up with these. A friend sent them to me. Not to say that I haven't thought of one or two of them before, though:)

marybelle said...