Saturday, November 20, 2010

Power Outage

At my recent assault trial, I offered a plea of "Guilty with an explanation." The judge asked me what my explanation was, so I told my story.

"Your Honor," I said, "I had a mammogram appointment, which I actually kept. I was met with: 'Hi! I'm Belinda!' This perky clipboard carrier smiled from ear to ear, tilted her head to one side and crooned, 'All I need you to do is step into this room right here, strip to the waist, then slip on this gown. Everything clear?' I'm thinking, 'Belinda, try decaf. This ain't rocket science.'

Belinda skipped away to prepare the chamber of horrors. With the right side finished, Belinda flipped me (literally) to the left and said, 'Hmmmm can you stand on your tippy toes and lean in a tad so we can get everything?''

Fine', I answered. I was freezing, bruised, and out of air, so why not use the remaining circulation in my legs and neck and finish me off? My body was in a holding pattern that defied gravity (with my other breast wedged between those two 4 inch pieces of square glass) when we heard, then felt a zap!

Complete darkness and the power went off! 'Oh, maintenance is working. Bet they hit a snag.' Belinda said, and headed for the door. 'Excuse me! You're not leaving me in this vice alone are you?' I shouted. Belinda kept going and said, 'Oh, you fussy puppy...the door's wide open so you'll have the emergency hall lights. I'll be right back.' Before I could shout 'NOOOO!' she disappeared.

And that's exactly how Bubba and Earl, maintenance men extraordinaire, found me... half-naked with part of me dangling from the Jaws of Life, and the other part smashed between glass! After exchanging a polite 'Hi, how's it going' type greeting, Bubba (or possibly Earl) asked, to my utter disbelief, if I knew the power was off.

Trying to disguise my hysteria, I replied with as much calmness as possible 'Uh, yes, yes I did thanks.' 'You bet, take care' Bubba replied and waved good-bye as though I'd been standing in the line at the grocery store.

Two hours later, Belinda breezes in wearing a sheepish grin. Making no attempt to suppress her amusement, she said, 'Oh I am sooo sorry!' The power came back on and I totally forgot about you! And silly me, I went to lunch. Are we upset?'

And that, Your Honor, is exactly how her head ended up between the clamps...."

The judge could hardly contain her laughter as she said 'Case Dismissed!!'


Nicole North said...

Yikes!!!!! Now that's a horror story!

diva donna said...

OH my God!!! I just fell off my chair. Tat's the most outrageous horror story I've ever read. I'm due for my Mammogram. How the heck with I ever get through it. Please just say. Just Kidding!!

flchen1 said...

ROFL! Goodness! That's an appointment I'm glad I didn't have!

elaing8 said...

oh wow..when I got loose I'd have kicked her ass :)

Sam Bradley said...

OMG, my worst nightmare!

Nancy Bristow said...

@Diva Donna. I feel sure this was a funny story because otherwise Belinda would have been a dead woman or bitch slapped for sure:)

@Nicole North. Hey Nicole. Have you got anybody else in Kilts besides Devil and Beast these days? They were both great novellas in Secrets Vol. 27 and Vol. 29.

Tory Richards said...

I just had my mammogram ladies so I don't have to worry about it again for another year:) I'm happy to say this didn't happen to me. But I can see it happening to someone. Anything is possible!

Hey diva donna, if saying it makes you feel better, I'm just kidding:)

You like men in skirts, Nancy? LOL

Thanks for stopping by and leaving your comments everyone.

Nancy Bristow said...

Debbie...Not just yes, but hell yes! The right man in a kilt SO works for me. You may have forgotten because it's been a long time ago now but we bonded ogling men in kilts:) ~Nancy

Tamsyn said...

Thanks for the laugh! I go through this every year and am so glad there is no power outage so far. *Touch wood*

Tory Richards said...

Oh yeah Nancy, I remember those men in kilts, now. At the time I think I was focusing on a different view and forgot all about what they were wearing;)