Being that I'm from Maine I just had to post this...
Listen up City Slickers!
1. Pull your droopy-ass pants up. You look like an idiot.
2. Turn your cap around straight .. your head isn't crooked.
3. Let's get this straight; it's called a 'dirt road.' I drive a pickup truck because I want to. No matter how slow you drive, you're going to get dust on your Lexus. Drive it or get out of the way.
4. They are cattle. They're live steaks. That's why they smell funny to you. But they smell like money to us. Get over it. Don't like it? I-95 goes north and south.
5. So you have a $60,000 car ... we're impressed. We have $150,000 potato harvesters that are driven only 3 weeks a year.
6. So every person in rural Maine waves. It's called being friendly. Try to understand the concept.
7. If that cell phone rings while an 8-point buck and 3 does are coming in, we WILL shoot it out of your hand. You better hope you don't have it up to your ear at the time.
8. Yeah, we eat taters & gravy, beans & biscuits, and homemade pie. You really want sushi & caviar? It's available at Jim's bait shop.
9. The 'Opener' refers to the first day of deer season. It's a religious holiday held the closest Saturday to the first of November.
10. We open doors for women. That is applied to all women, regardless of age.
11. No, there's no 'vegetarian special' on the menu. Order steak or lobstah. Or, you can order the Chef's Salad and pick off the 2 pounds of ham & turkey.
12. When we fill out a table, there are three main dishes: meats, vegetables, and breads. We use three spices - salt, pepper, and ketchup. Oh, yeah ... We don't care what you folks in New Jersey call that stuff you eat ... IT AIN'T REAL CHILI!!
13. You bring 'coke' into my house, it better be brown, wet and served over ice.
14. You bring ' Mary Jane' into my house, she better be cute, know how to shoot, drive a truck, and have long hair.
15. College and high school football are as important here as the Patriots and the Celtics and more fun to watch.
16. Yeah, we have golf courses. But don't hit the water hazards ... it spooks the fish.
17. Colleges? We have them all over. We have State Universities , Community Colleges, and Voc-techs. They come outta there with an education plus a love for God and Country, and they still wave to everybody when they come home for the holidays.
18. Turn down that blasted car stereo! That thumpity-thump crap ain't music anyway. We don't want to hear it any more than we want to see your boxers. (Refer back to #1.)
19. Four inches of snow isn't a blizzard - it's a flurry. Drive in it like you got some sense, and DON'T take all our bread, milk, and bleach off the grocery shelves. This ain't Alaska ! Worst case ... you may have to live a whole day without croissants. Anyway ... the pickups with snowplows will have you out the next day.
20. By the way ... if you want to talk to God in Maine , it's a local call. :)