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If you're looking for a steamy read, long, short or in between, where the characters are all over each other, get down and dirty, than I can guarantee that you will find something here. I'm going to level with you, my erotic romances are explicit and graphic in nature, but they all have happily forever or happily for now endings.


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TORY RICHARDS

Erotic Author

Sunday, May 16, 2010

Really?

I am totally messed up now and have little chance of recovery.

I no longer open a public bathroom door without using a paper towel or have them put lemon slices in my ice water without worrying about the bacteria on the lemon peel.

I can't use the remote in a hotel room because I don't know what the last person was doing while flipping through the adult movie channels.

I can't sit down on the hotel bedspread because I can only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed.

I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because the number one pastime while driving alone is picking ones nose (although cell phone usage may be taking the number one spot).

Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt trip because I can only imagine how many gallons of Trans fats I have consumed over the years.

I can't touch any woman's purse for fear she has placed it on the floor of a public bathroom.

I MUST SEND MY SPECIAL THANKS to whoever sent me the one about poop in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing.

ALSO, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.

I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.

I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa's Novena has granted my every wish.

I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers..

I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.

I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.

I no longer can buy gasoline without taking someone along to watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm pumping gas.

I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put 'Under God' on their cans.

I no longer use Saran Wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.

I can't boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face.. Disfiguring me for life.

I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.

I no longer receive packages from UPS or Fed Ex since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.

I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support our American troops or the Salvation Army.

I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica , Uganda , Singapore , and Uzbekistan ...

I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have their recipe.

I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my butt.

I can't ever pick up $5.00 dropped in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.

I can no longer drive my car because I can't buy gas from certain gas companies!

I can't do any gardening because I'm afraid I'll get bitten by the brown recluse and my hand will fall off.

And I now keep my toothbrush in the living room, because water splashes over 6 ft. out of the commode.

4 comments:

Sherry said...

I don't know if you were serious or not but the opening the bathroom door with a papertowel is something I've done for a long time. Actually I take it a step further I have to get my papertowels before I wash my hands after seeing a bunch of people at work doing the same thing. When I wash my hands I either get them soapy and wipe off the faucet or I use my papertowel to turn it off. I hate bathrooms that only have the blowers to dry your hands on. I can't stand to touch anybody's purse because even if they don't set it on the floor they pick it up after they use the bathroom before they wash their hands. I am such a clean hand freak I wash my hands every time I turn around. I don't use hand towels in my bathroom at home because most people don't wash their hands very good so I use papertowels instead. My family makes fun of me and my doctor has threatened to put me one medicine for OCD but I really don't care.

desitheblonde said...

you covers look great and sound good and then i would like to red all your books

Tory Richards said...

I'm with you Sherry! I've used a paper towel to open bathroom doors for a long time, too. I admit I never thought about the purse thing, but you're so right! Now I'll think twice before touching someone elses purse.

Tory Richards said...

Thank you desitheblonde!