Friday, October 17, 2008

Fun Friday!

A WOMAN'S WEEK AT THE GYM

If you read this without laughing out loud, there is something wrong with you. This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get into a regular workout routine.


Dear Diary,
For my birthday this year, my daughter (the dear) purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me.

Although I am still in great shape since being a high school football cheerleader 43 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.

I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear.

My daughter seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.


MONDAY:
Started my day at 6:00 a.m.Tough to get out of bed, but
found it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club
to find Belinda waiting for me. She is something of a Greek
goddess - with blond hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white
smile. Woo Hoo!!

Belinda gave me a tour and showed me the machines. I
enjoyed watching the skillful way in which she conducted her
aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring!

Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my
gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she
was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week-!!

________________________________
TUESDAY:
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out
the door. Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy
iron bar into the air then she put weights on it! My legs
were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full
mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile.
I feel GREAT-!! It's a whole new life for me.

_______________________________
WEDNESDAY:
The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the
toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth
over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals.
Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop.
I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot.

Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams
bothered other club members. Her voice is a little too
perky for that early in the morning and when she scolds, she
gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying.

My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put
me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a
machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by
elevators? Belinda told me it would help me get in shape and
enjoy life. She said some other shit too.

_______________________________
THURSDAY:
Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth
exposed as her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full
snarl. I couldn't help being a half an hour late - it
took me that long to tie my shoes.

Belinda took me to work out with dumbbells. When she was
not looking, I ran and hid in the restroom. She sent another
skinny bitch to find me.

Then, as punishment, she put me on the rowing machine --
which I sank.
_________ _ _____________________
FRIDAY:
I hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being has
ever hated any other human being in t he history of the
world. Stupid, skinny, anemic, anorexic little cheerleader.
If there was a part of my body I could move without
unbearable pain, I would beat her with it.

Belinda wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have
any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the floor,
don't hand me the damn barbells or anything that weighs
more than a sandwich.

The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and
nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone
softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?

________________________________
SATURDAY:
Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her
grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up
today. Just hearing her voice made me want to smash the
machine with my planner; however, I lacked the strength to
even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight
hours of the Weather Channel.

________________________________
SUNDAY:
I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today
so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will
also pray that next year my daughter (the little shit) will
choose a gift for me that is fun -- like a root canal or a
hysterectomy. I still say if God had wanted me to bend over,
he would have sprinkled the floor with diamonds!!!

9 comments:

Ruby (Mouth) said...

This sounds exactly what I would do. I bought a three year membership to All American and went all of five days. LOL!! Big waste of money!!!!

Eva S said...

Hi Debbie,
thanks for the week, I've thought about the gym too... Will have to find something else, no diamonds here either...

Debbie Wallace said...

LOL Did you buy it as a New Year's Resolution?

Debbie Wallace said...

Hi Eva,

There's a lot of alternatives to going to the gym. Dancing is a good exercise:)

Ruby (Mouth) said...

Actually, no!! Does that make it even worse?! LOL!! I was pressured to buy it. LOL!!!! What's worse is the five times I went in were only to pay the bill and swim for an hour. I left that part out.

Nancy Bristow said...

Debbie...This is funny every time I read it....Nancy:)

Debbie Wallace said...

Too funny, Ruby! Those were some expensive swims.

Debbie Wallace said...

Me too, Nancy. I'd read it before but this time I thought I'd post it. Some things never get old:)

BethRe said...

I understand being thankful the week is over,