Friday, October 17, 2008

Fun Friday!


If you read this without laughing out loud, there is something wrong with you. This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get into a regular workout routine.

Dear Diary,
For my birthday this year, my daughter (the dear) purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me.

Although I am still in great shape since being a high school football cheerleader 43 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.

I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear.

My daughter seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.

Started my day at 6:00 a.m.Tough to get out of bed, but
found it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club
to find Belinda waiting for me. She is something of a Greek
goddess - with blond hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white
smile. Woo Hoo!!

Belinda gave me a tour and showed me the machines. I
enjoyed watching the skillful way in which she conducted her
aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring!

Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my
gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she
was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week-!!

I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out
the door. Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy
iron bar into the air then she put weights on it! My legs
were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full
mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile.
I feel GREAT-!! It's a whole new life for me.

The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the
toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth
over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals.
Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop.
I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot.

Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams
bothered other club members. Her voice is a little too
perky for that early in the morning and when she scolds, she
gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying.

My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put
me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a
machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by
elevators? Belinda told me it would help me get in shape and
enjoy life. She said some other shit too.

Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth
exposed as her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full
snarl. I couldn't help being a half an hour late - it
took me that long to tie my shoes.

Belinda took me to work out with dumbbells. When she was
not looking, I ran and hid in the restroom. She sent another
skinny bitch to find me.

Then, as punishment, she put me on the rowing machine --
which I sank.
_________ _ _____________________
I hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being has
ever hated any other human being in t he history of the
world. Stupid, skinny, anemic, anorexic little cheerleader.
If there was a part of my body I could move without
unbearable pain, I would beat her with it.

Belinda wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have
any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the floor,
don't hand me the damn barbells or anything that weighs
more than a sandwich.

The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and
nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone
softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?

Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her
grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up
today. Just hearing her voice made me want to smash the
machine with my planner; however, I lacked the strength to
even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight
hours of the Weather Channel.

I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today
so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will
also pray that next year my daughter (the little shit) will
choose a gift for me that is fun -- like a root canal or a
hysterectomy. I still say if God had wanted me to bend over,
he would have sprinkled the floor with diamonds!!!


Ruby (Mouth) said...

This sounds exactly what I would do. I bought a three year membership to All American and went all of five days. LOL!! Big waste of money!!!!

Eva S said...

Hi Debbie,
thanks for the week, I've thought about the gym too... Will have to find something else, no diamonds here either...

Debbie Wallace said...

LOL Did you buy it as a New Year's Resolution?

Debbie Wallace said...

Hi Eva,

There's a lot of alternatives to going to the gym. Dancing is a good exercise:)

Ruby (Mouth) said...

Actually, no!! Does that make it even worse?! LOL!! I was pressured to buy it. LOL!!!! What's worse is the five times I went in were only to pay the bill and swim for an hour. I left that part out.

Nancy Bristow said...

Debbie...This is funny every time I read it....Nancy:)

Debbie Wallace said...

Too funny, Ruby! Those were some expensive swims.

Debbie Wallace said...

Me too, Nancy. I'd read it before but this time I thought I'd post it. Some things never get old:)

BethRe said...

I understand being thankful the week is over,